Relationships: What brought me here and what keeps me going

This is where I am meant to be. I never dreamt it was possible to be in university, let alone grad school, or working within my communities, advocating for change, and supporting people on their journeys. I have never been someone to shy away from conversations surrounding death and grief. As someone who has lost many people, I have learned to move fluidly through the stages of grief in my own holistic way. This is all possible because of the relationships I have created in my life, whether with my bio or chosen family, and the beautiful people within my working collective. Relationship building has been a lifelong practice for me and is an essential part of frontline work in contexts of poverty, homelessness, and substance use.

Substance use has been circling around me my whole life. I am no stranger to the effects it can have on people and those close to them. Maybe that is why I have always helped people on their journeys, whether that was taking them for a hot meal, offering them smokes and a hug, or just showing up when needed. I often wonder if things could have been different in my early years if someone had stepped in to help or offer me guidance, but I acknowledge that I may not have accepted it at the time. That is a reality I have seen too many times. Acceptance, and a willingness to do what is needed for the ones we love, may not be what we desire, or even more, the people surrounding us might not know how to support us, so they pull away without even trying. I am grateful for the experiences I have had as they are what drives me and fuels my desire to advocate for change.

Through the years, I have learned to appreciate that we do not know everyone’s stories of how they got to where they are, but it is in entering and maintaining relationships that we come to understand ourselves and others better. Substance use, abuse, and grief can play heavy roles in people’s lives, and I have seen the difference of having just one person step in to show some version of care. This action can have a lasting effect on someone’s quality of someone’s life. We as friends, loved ones, and workers can be that person for each other.

Which brings me to what brought me to the wonderful world of a palliative approach to care and why I am such a huge advocate for this practice framework. In the spring of 2020, I started working in an inner-city housing site. On my first shift, a shining-ray-of-light of a woman walked into our outreach office, sat down, looked me square in the eye, and asked me about my personal story and what knowledge I have of this lifestyle. I used this time together to share some of my stories. She sat and listened, and when finished, said, “Good, you will do just fine” and left. After that, our relationship grew. We would share stories – she thought it was hilarious that I did not camp – and we shared our love of cats and good books. I would make sure to buy her favourite snacks and always check in with her first when I arrived on shift.

Our relationship shifted the day I came to work and witnessed her having a stroke. She refused to go to the hospital due to the harms and traumas she had faced throughout her life within various health care settings. I would not back down, and she was yelling at me as the ambulance was pulling up. She asked me to be her “person,” her advocate, and to be by her side during her final journey. Without hesitation, I said, “Yes.” Diagnosed with cancer, she had no idea of her time left. The next two months went by quickly. I was able to introduce her to chai tea, Purdy’s hedgehogs, and my husband’s home cooked meals. A wonderful co-worker helped me give her Christmas in October and, most importantly, she was not alone on her end-of-life journey.

This is where my connection to the Palliative Outreach Resource Team (PORT) comes in. They helped her in ways I never knew were possible. The nurse and outreach worker navigated challenging institutional policy to ensure she stayed connected with her pet and substance of choice. No words can describe the love and care that came from the doctor. We would meet to strategize how best to support her. Everyone was calm and respectful. This group of people supported her in a holistic way that gave me hope for this field and I knew I needed to be a part of it. I joined the inner-city action team – made of up workers, practitioners, and academics advancing equity in palliative care – and my heart and hope grew even more. These workers come to this practice with passion, knowledge, activism, and determination to ensure that people not only die with dignity, but also live with dignity. 

To me, a palliative approach to care is about improving quality of life whether our time is for days, months, or years. We, as a collective, deserve to enjoy the simplest necessities and to be able to enjoy a few of life’s pleasures while navigating this journey of life. I have seen the difference of showing up, asking questions, and just being there for people in the way they need. It is about working within the “grey,” and navigating the systems to better support the people we work with. I believe this framework of care is needed throughout every community and I hope to continue to advocate and share it with anyone who will listen.

Carley McConnachie is a Master’s Student in the UVic Social Dimensions of Health program, an outreach worker at Peers Victoria Resource Society, a mother, wife, sister, creator, and manager at a local retail company. She is pursuing her degree in a palliative approach to care among street-involved youth and adults in our communities.